...two lives, one death, one life

"papa i like that Barbie, can i have that?"...

How many of you reading this opposite to my own sex, have done this in days gone by? May not be the Barbie, but similar things, that would have captured your tender imagination then. Perhaps papa brought you that Barbie of yours which might now, is lying in an old cupboard, draped in the clothes you stitched for her.. I have one such!

Lovely it is as I stare at her, pink lips, unmasked smile, speechless ... as she stares at me. Thoughts transcend this mind and translate..

"Born to me, this little kid, a child of mine would grow up, being exposed into this complicated world. I cant buy her the barbie, yet she does not mind. Her liking towards me is more of innocence. I guess she understands me more than I do myself. Deriving happiness with all she has at hand...

Walks out each day, waving her tiny hands, and a huge bag lot heavier than herself, to learn her lessons. Plays around, climbs up the tamarind tree, plucks and rejoices the sour taste of the raw ones. Makes dinner for a family of clay, as she plays ghar-ghar. Dresses up her hypothetical little girl, performs a marriage ceremony with her friends. The clay family it is. Theres a naughty little chap who gets in and fiddles with the clay house, jumps over it, teases her and off he goes with friends. Left is this kid of mine, alone, in tears, no complaining but making up with what is happening. Wipes the water droplets on her cheeks, becomes older than I was, smiles .. stands up and is done for that day. Brings me one small piece of raw tamarind in her bag. Running up to me as I stand waiting for her to take her back home.....

The girl child she is. Transforms from the kid to young gypsy, that captures human imagination. No more the form of innocence but a form of love to disperse love. She awaits, fantasizes of the man of her dreams. Dreams to be in his arms. Possibly.. And there comes a time this kid of mine goes into his arms leaving us back. She embraces them as if she was never ours. Embraces a family, makes them their own. It is increasingly hard for me to imagine what her feelings would be then.. doesnt she have one? Lives by him all his life like a shadow. Prakriti she is. Without which there would have been no Purush. Being on the side of the giver always, I wonder when will she empty herself... It doesn’t stop there.. Takes the form of a mother... Unlike the mechanical systems which over a period of time cease to exist as a result of entropy, her love doesn’t abide the law. The more she give the more she has..

I being thirsty all time... Hehe.. as the thirst never ceases."

The hairs grayed, eyes glowing, lips damp, wrinkles on face and thoughts, she stands awaiting .. Love loving love in the recursive fashion. I realize how mean I have been .. You are loved, you love, loose it yet you start loving again .. Born to your parents, love them, live with them, go away from them for ever, embrace another family, make them yours.. What are you? Even the sheer thought for such an action makes me feel so feeble...

I see you like the butterfly who lives the life of a caterpillar, crawling and struggling to survive and then one day dies off to be born again, the beautiful butterfly which knows no limits. Two lives, one death in one life that is. I envy you for i don’t have the chance to experience death. For me its just one. Hehe.

One of the strangest imagination of mine would be probably to become a butterfly collector, of having the chance to come across the NFinite, flying wide, but every time i try to, the pollen grains sticking on my fingers remind me of the wings, the wings of you dear... and the fingers contract returning back to normal.. seeking your wings ....

May be someday i would be in that garden looking at my palms when you fly down sit flap your wings and fly back .. building some fresh memories again. i miss you and your conversations .. will this be for an infinite time.. i ask .. again am reminded of the selfish me, which is more of me and less of you... would you ever want to be there......

I have one such barbie, a barbie you cant see or talk to. I can.