i cant be with her

I have been living a life .. eating stuff .. thinking .. working .. living in the less relative society working towards something i am still confused off. Its been running the fast lane but i have only started realizing my pace since the past 10 years. Like the runaway train never going back ..

Its becoming mundane .. urge to live is decreasing .. for its not the way i have imagined. Its not that simple. Hopes, faith, belief, passion, self all worldly components have overtaken us; pushing us deep into the shell of self where the line of being human and animal fades to null. Time demands you to be a silent spectator, a bearer of all that happens on you without a question. Even the whore who’s paid for being laid is at least at a better state for she knows there’s an outcome for being laid. Standing over the principles that have made you this day stands false for that moment. Survival is questioned against the beautiful moral principles which only have a literary meaning that stays till the borders of the Moral Science book you might have studied days back. I wonder why waste time in studying Morality if that has no practical reason for existence in the lives. I dont know...... Yet people talk of rules and growth.

These all active patterns of human behavior jaded by blisters of ego keeps us moving and wandering but at the same time making us numb. Its been long day not tiring though .. but i wonder how insane i would act if i had to have a family of my own. Nothing interests me anymore. Nor the colors of holi or the fireworks of diwali or the christmas or the sacred Ramzan.... having tried that all even the mass at the church fails to get my faith on it.... Have i rotten out with time .. have i lost that human sense .. have i tortured my self hard to remain alone in the shell being forked for ever..... i am scared to death for i never meant to be so.

This young girl pushes from the crowd comes up to me with her tender hands on my palm. Climbs up my thighs and rests on it peeping out of the window in the fast running local train. She doesn’t know me .. nor do i .. yet there’s something we share in common may be. Looks at my long grown hair and smiles .. stares at people .. stares at her parents .. peeps out through the screeching the cold wind of this fast moving train. Sleeps with her head resting on my arms as we move along... I am left dumb and relaxed .. for that instance i eject out of the stress i have been through for at her level she’s ignorant of all games people play. I am afraid of waking her up .. time will take her away from me for she isnt my daughter or someone i can be with however hard i would want to ... i know am turning hard from within .. acting at people .. acting to satisfy others for there are things i would have never wanted to do yet i do them .. for am loosing my innocence i would have wanted to treasure. I cant be with her ....

"Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded ..." - Soul Asylum

Its been days i have had time to sit and jot down of all moments you torment me. There’s not a day where your thoughts have stayed far from this mind. Even if you have become the parallel thought that persists with whatever i do .. i am afraid for dear i don’t have the courage to change time and stir your thoughts ... for a change might be unacceptable even if your absence hurts me so much. Probably its your words and the time which still kindle the infinitesimally small urge to remain the humane i am.