Times are those when we impose and then at moments we are imposed upon. My story… Your story… Our story… keeps on building as we live each day. Sometimes we become part of the stories of people around, without any defined role though. Something similar to that of being a guest actor for a while. I have had the advantage of being one. And this movie would probably end in the next 18 hours with my guest appearance. Doctors confirmed it this morning!
Days back uncertain things never used to be interesting, until the element made me realize the beauty that this uncertainty beholds. Day is this when the certainty which I loved so much stands so close, yet it hurts. I am certain, so is everyone, so is he, for he knows its 18 hours of life remaining. How would you feel if you ever were in that state? The seconds don’t pause. The fact that I cant talk to him anymore nor can he have a another conversation again, aint convincing enough even if that is so certain.
Never thought we would be close, the day I first saw him, for he had rarely acknowledged my presence. Yet I had the privilege of being acknowledged by his sweetheart :) ..
"Well, we had a wish to go on a trip to visit all the pious places when we grow old. I worked as a head mistress for a school, we built. That was interesting. Cooking had been a past time always, and he liked it too! His days were all embedded with drugs, patients, hospital. He’s been a doctor for 30 odd years. Poor only if he could use his knowledge to treat himself ... We are having a beautiful life. It was never without pains though, yet combating the pains has a charm of its own.
I am not a born Tamilian but my birthplace was ... hence the Tamil language became a sort of mother tongue. So did the Tamil appetite and the Tamil dishes. In my times, we used to get married at a really early age. When I was your age I had a family" ... .. .
The story goes on as we talk and unconsciously this guy becomes a part of their story.
I was married away to him 37 years ago. Never got the chance to move back to my home for I had none behind me. Everything was new for me. Little did I know the etiquettes of life, or for that matter living with a man I have never known. We had moved into a big house in a small place, a remote village located in the interiors of a south Indian state after my marriage. There were green paddy fields, un-tarred muddy roads unlike the ones we had in Bangalore. He was the eldest of 5 children. 3 sisters and a brother. His brother was a lot younger than I was. But sisters were more of my age with a little difference!
We all were kids of the fairly same age but for me, my roles increased a bit more. Everyone seemed to be close, yet there remained an empty inside always seeking for something else. Its not that I had married him beyond my own choice or marriage was imposed on me but something, I don’t know what always made me feel lonely.
Perhaps time had to play its game.
Being a daughter of not so rich parents, earning tits and bits to support my learning, fate had pushed me hard enough to see different stages of life. I had made a wish when I was young! Hehe something similar to a nice prince coming up to me and taking me away with him for ever. You know the Dream Prince! ..
Somehow it didn’t happen. But the other part of the wish which said, let me be a part of someone who needs me and that I do something for him did happen. I used to ask God to give me a chance to serve some one in my life for I had lost the chance to serve my own parents. God does play games, and now when I look back I realize HE had indeed given me the chance!
I lost my parents, but when I came over here, I got replacements. My mom-in-law didn’t like me much though, yet in my father-in-law I saw a caring father who cared for me even more than my own dad. Sailing through life aint easy for a girl always. I had to quickly transform my self into someone who had the traits of a mom, daughter and a wife. I remember of being of the same age as his younger brother, perhaps a little older ;) but had to take care of him. I had to feed him, carry him in my arms, for without this he never ate. Crazy he was, and at times when there was nothing, I kept thinking and wishing if someone had taken me into her laps and fed. That’s how you tend to feel good! Quite often dreaming and visualizing about the places you could have been lets you go far away from the present. You feel better and recharged.
That was the only way I could pull on probably. Well there were times when my mom-in-law was as rude, but it was this mans love which made me live on. Well you must be surprised to know that he did love me before we got married but never said it until we were married. He knew my brother, who was next to my father and before he expired my yet to be husband had promised to take care of me for the rest of his life. That wasn’t liked by my mother-in-law I guess. He could have married any girl, for he was a Doctor, and had a big family. I was just nothing. Had no family. Yet he embraced me, fighting all the resistive forces when there was none, by me. Never said a word. And that unspoken love has been driving me since.
He was there at all times with anything I ever did. I remember a particular instance. We were in Karnataka for a medical checkup, when the doctors said that going further we couldn’t have kids. That could have been a shock for the couple, but that day he held me tight as we were moving back home in the bus. He said, "... my dear, there should be a reason why we didn’t have kids, may be HE wants us to become parent to an orphan. If you don’t mind we can probably adopt someone. It’s just the time which would pass." That was my boyfriend.
Yeah, sometimes you don’t like the boyfriend to be too sweet though, and you make your own decisions. Heheh I did. In fact we both did. We decided to build a school, be parents not to one but to many, to all those who needed us. He was there too!
Support! Well he pushed himself harder each day to collect money for the school. I saw him pushing his luxuries down the priority list, for the sake of buying Black boards, benches and dusters for our school. He had handed me something which has taken over both of our lives...
I don’t have any regrets, it just that I have seen him serve people all time, and today the doctor himself doesn’t have a treatment for his own disease. His doctor friends have started failing. Post the accident on our trip to visit the temple in Southern India, there was a small injury on his leg which got gangrene. They severed it off. He smiled .. His kidney stopped functioning and they kept him on dialysis. Ears gave up and hes using this white device yet paying strong attention to your lip movements for all times you speak to comprehend what you are saying. Memory has started giving up... Food doesn’t go in ... He hasn’t been sleeping for a week.
I question isnt this suffering enough? Why doesn’t HE take him? What is pulling him back? Perhaps me.
"I loved you for 37 years, and i shall keep loving you hereafter and ever post my own extinction. I wish I could tell you this. I know I cant, I can’t hold you or go near you even if that is something you wish in your last breath, for I can’t see you living dead, for the moment I come to see you the love re-kindles your desire to stay back. You can’t leave this place with an unfulfilled desire. You think about how I would live post your departure, how selfish, can’t you for a while think that i shall not be able to die, leaving you helpless. Go, leave this world, I don’t love you, I cant see you dying each moment....." those were my last words to him.
And post that I never saw him for the next 18 hours. He woke up at the 18th hour searching, looked at everyone, perhaps searching for me. He realized I was not there ... and that he had to be gone. Breathed his last....
How do I tell you what it feels. I was so strong, never did a drop of tear flow down my eyes when he was there, and when he left. But now I feel so lonely. I feel guilty of myself to have deprived him of my love. He is there somewhere and is probably smiling, watching me cry and be lone .. waiting for him. Yet can i live like this? Can I? Perhaps that wouldn’t be just ....
This day, i decide to be reborn again as a child of eight and let go of the feeling which has been pushing me to leave this world. Travel back to the place i left 37 years ago, to Madanapalli, my birthplace, to the school i built, we built, where his memory remains... trying to fulfill our wish, the wish of a dead man and his alive wife.
What are you thinking dear? What is this love? What is this attachment? Why is there pain? And what did this man tell me? How did I become a guest?
Dear even I betrayed him in some sense, He wanted me to stay back from work, I consoled that if all would be fine and I would see him back in the evening … I knew it was the last time was touching him alive. “the doctors are experimenting on me, touch my heart, its hurting .. don’t go …” that was me hearing him and seeing him move to the certain.
I know I haven’t been able to do justice to the article not their story, expressions limited I guess. But then, every time I ponder upon the house, his memories and her words I think probably someone was right when this someone said "Entre lo que existe y lo que no existe, el espacio es el amor."
It means “Between that which exists and that which does not is the space called Love.”
37 years and moving :) ..... .... ... .. .
Days back uncertain things never used to be interesting, until the element made me realize the beauty that this uncertainty beholds. Day is this when the certainty which I loved so much stands so close, yet it hurts. I am certain, so is everyone, so is he, for he knows its 18 hours of life remaining. How would you feel if you ever were in that state? The seconds don’t pause. The fact that I cant talk to him anymore nor can he have a another conversation again, aint convincing enough even if that is so certain.
Never thought we would be close, the day I first saw him, for he had rarely acknowledged my presence. Yet I had the privilege of being acknowledged by his sweetheart :) ..
"Well, we had a wish to go on a trip to visit all the pious places when we grow old. I worked as a head mistress for a school, we built. That was interesting. Cooking had been a past time always, and he liked it too! His days were all embedded with drugs, patients, hospital. He’s been a doctor for 30 odd years. Poor only if he could use his knowledge to treat himself ... We are having a beautiful life. It was never without pains though, yet combating the pains has a charm of its own.
I am not a born Tamilian but my birthplace was ... hence the Tamil language became a sort of mother tongue. So did the Tamil appetite and the Tamil dishes. In my times, we used to get married at a really early age. When I was your age I had a family" ... .. .
The story goes on as we talk and unconsciously this guy becomes a part of their story.
I was married away to him 37 years ago. Never got the chance to move back to my home for I had none behind me. Everything was new for me. Little did I know the etiquettes of life, or for that matter living with a man I have never known. We had moved into a big house in a small place, a remote village located in the interiors of a south Indian state after my marriage. There were green paddy fields, un-tarred muddy roads unlike the ones we had in Bangalore. He was the eldest of 5 children. 3 sisters and a brother. His brother was a lot younger than I was. But sisters were more of my age with a little difference!
We all were kids of the fairly same age but for me, my roles increased a bit more. Everyone seemed to be close, yet there remained an empty inside always seeking for something else. Its not that I had married him beyond my own choice or marriage was imposed on me but something, I don’t know what always made me feel lonely.
Perhaps time had to play its game.
Being a daughter of not so rich parents, earning tits and bits to support my learning, fate had pushed me hard enough to see different stages of life. I had made a wish when I was young! Hehe something similar to a nice prince coming up to me and taking me away with him for ever. You know the Dream Prince! ..
Somehow it didn’t happen. But the other part of the wish which said, let me be a part of someone who needs me and that I do something for him did happen. I used to ask God to give me a chance to serve some one in my life for I had lost the chance to serve my own parents. God does play games, and now when I look back I realize HE had indeed given me the chance!
I lost my parents, but when I came over here, I got replacements. My mom-in-law didn’t like me much though, yet in my father-in-law I saw a caring father who cared for me even more than my own dad. Sailing through life aint easy for a girl always. I had to quickly transform my self into someone who had the traits of a mom, daughter and a wife. I remember of being of the same age as his younger brother, perhaps a little older ;) but had to take care of him. I had to feed him, carry him in my arms, for without this he never ate. Crazy he was, and at times when there was nothing, I kept thinking and wishing if someone had taken me into her laps and fed. That’s how you tend to feel good! Quite often dreaming and visualizing about the places you could have been lets you go far away from the present. You feel better and recharged.
That was the only way I could pull on probably. Well there were times when my mom-in-law was as rude, but it was this mans love which made me live on. Well you must be surprised to know that he did love me before we got married but never said it until we were married. He knew my brother, who was next to my father and before he expired my yet to be husband had promised to take care of me for the rest of his life. That wasn’t liked by my mother-in-law I guess. He could have married any girl, for he was a Doctor, and had a big family. I was just nothing. Had no family. Yet he embraced me, fighting all the resistive forces when there was none, by me. Never said a word. And that unspoken love has been driving me since.
He was there at all times with anything I ever did. I remember a particular instance. We were in Karnataka for a medical checkup, when the doctors said that going further we couldn’t have kids. That could have been a shock for the couple, but that day he held me tight as we were moving back home in the bus. He said, "... my dear, there should be a reason why we didn’t have kids, may be HE wants us to become parent to an orphan. If you don’t mind we can probably adopt someone. It’s just the time which would pass." That was my boyfriend.
Yeah, sometimes you don’t like the boyfriend to be too sweet though, and you make your own decisions. Heheh I did. In fact we both did. We decided to build a school, be parents not to one but to many, to all those who needed us. He was there too!
Support! Well he pushed himself harder each day to collect money for the school. I saw him pushing his luxuries down the priority list, for the sake of buying Black boards, benches and dusters for our school. He had handed me something which has taken over both of our lives...
I don’t have any regrets, it just that I have seen him serve people all time, and today the doctor himself doesn’t have a treatment for his own disease. His doctor friends have started failing. Post the accident on our trip to visit the temple in Southern India, there was a small injury on his leg which got gangrene. They severed it off. He smiled .. His kidney stopped functioning and they kept him on dialysis. Ears gave up and hes using this white device yet paying strong attention to your lip movements for all times you speak to comprehend what you are saying. Memory has started giving up... Food doesn’t go in ... He hasn’t been sleeping for a week.
I question isnt this suffering enough? Why doesn’t HE take him? What is pulling him back? Perhaps me.
"I loved you for 37 years, and i shall keep loving you hereafter and ever post my own extinction. I wish I could tell you this. I know I cant, I can’t hold you or go near you even if that is something you wish in your last breath, for I can’t see you living dead, for the moment I come to see you the love re-kindles your desire to stay back. You can’t leave this place with an unfulfilled desire. You think about how I would live post your departure, how selfish, can’t you for a while think that i shall not be able to die, leaving you helpless. Go, leave this world, I don’t love you, I cant see you dying each moment....." those were my last words to him.
And post that I never saw him for the next 18 hours. He woke up at the 18th hour searching, looked at everyone, perhaps searching for me. He realized I was not there ... and that he had to be gone. Breathed his last....
How do I tell you what it feels. I was so strong, never did a drop of tear flow down my eyes when he was there, and when he left. But now I feel so lonely. I feel guilty of myself to have deprived him of my love. He is there somewhere and is probably smiling, watching me cry and be lone .. waiting for him. Yet can i live like this? Can I? Perhaps that wouldn’t be just ....
This day, i decide to be reborn again as a child of eight and let go of the feeling which has been pushing me to leave this world. Travel back to the place i left 37 years ago, to Madanapalli, my birthplace, to the school i built, we built, where his memory remains... trying to fulfill our wish, the wish of a dead man and his alive wife.
What are you thinking dear? What is this love? What is this attachment? Why is there pain? And what did this man tell me? How did I become a guest?
Dear even I betrayed him in some sense, He wanted me to stay back from work, I consoled that if all would be fine and I would see him back in the evening … I knew it was the last time was touching him alive. “the doctors are experimenting on me, touch my heart, its hurting .. don’t go …” that was me hearing him and seeing him move to the certain.
I know I haven’t been able to do justice to the article not their story, expressions limited I guess. But then, every time I ponder upon the house, his memories and her words I think probably someone was right when this someone said "Entre lo que existe y lo que no existe, el espacio es el amor."
It means “Between that which exists and that which does not is the space called Love.”
37 years and moving :) ..... .... ... .. .
1 comments:
A magnificent piece of article.Very well expressed.May be you were destined to be a part of their lives even though for a small time.
Post a Comment