back-forth forth-back | STILL

"That’s the seat belt and you need to plug it this way. This is the emergency window. It will take us 2 hours. Is this your first flight" - the guy kept on asking me. I have no idea how he inferred it though. Every time, she wishes me luck to find a beautiful female beside me in all journeys I undertake and i internally pray and wish if it were her. Surprisingly this time it continued to happen the way it used to happen. I was sandwiched between two huge men; sighing away the wow effect to ahaaaa effect on my face :) ... Towards my left was a Japanese guy and towards my right was this Indian gentleman. The guy who had a million questions for me and perhaps a wonderful story to tell me. The day was great but suddenly since everything was coming to an end as it always happens this mind was kind of occupied by the past hence the actions for the present state were not in sync.

"Please fasten your seat belts and switch off your electronic equipments as we are ready to take off... ..." they were repeating the same in the 2 different languages; of which i kind of understand both but without an appropriate action towards the statement people around kind of get confused with the fact as to whether this guy understands it or not!! Hes not reacting... Who knew that my mind was juggling in the past. I guess that was the prime reason why this guy intruded ... is this your first flight! Hee Hee...

"Well no i guess... " ... silence. Even that statement didn’t suppress his superfluous caring nature about his fellow being. Lucky me and he kept saying me things ... on and on and on ... that’s the window, that’s the belt, thats the light ... blah blah blah. "Do we have anything else to talk about? Am really tired of this, am sorry but it was a hectic day ;P ... anything interesting to share??" - that was me. With an usual introduction of ourselves and the destinations we were flying to, he started off 'I am very happy today ...". He called himself Hitesh Shah.

Me: "Thats so nice. Very good"

Hitesh: "Perhaps its one of the best days in my life. You know what..."

Me: "Its a great day for everybody hitesh. Nice to know that."

Only if he had stopped!

Hitesh: "Yes i know but there something else to this one. I have left something in HIS safe hands and closed my eyes to uncertainty. The feeling of being in yet..."

Me:"Ahh... thats a nice description... tell me more... "

Hitesh - " ...

... well nothing much. A few days ago i had come to this place for an assignment. We, me and she always wanted to meet up. Long before it all started, we used to be uncertain about the events in the external world but somehow deep within things were a lot convincing, as if we saw the future. Its would be difficult for you to believe that something written somewhere long ago in some digital excel file would turn into reality. No one can possibly believe it. For you it could be co-incidence, a plan chalked out and executed accordingly. For me it was an experience. Long ago, probably a year or more had passed before we had wished a small thing, possibly sharing a long walk in an evening without being bothered by any external element and never knowing what the destination would be. Sharing a conversation in the rains. Sharing a few moments of silence in a church and the temple. Small things... :)

Things have always been as beautiful with us, touch wood. Despite the increasing complexity around us trying to tear us down every moment, compounded with the growing distance, nature i guess has left no stone unturned to get us together. Once somewhere deep inside your thoughts you envision a secure place draped with curtains and a small bench where you can possibly sit with her for a little longer time in an engaging deep conversation. You perhaps say i wish. We walked down the garden without roses but peacocks. Just two we were with a bottle of sliced mango drink to pass on time. Ahead of us there were exactly two benches painted in orange kept adjacent to each other. Surrounded by long trailing roots from the large tall trees making a perfect natural curtain. In front there was a small clean place with a roof similar to a mandap. As we sat together we saw people going down the lane and none bothering to peek in. She was there, so was I and our wish. Perhaps it was HIS perfect plan. I don’t know. For neither I planned the curtains nor she. We just wished.

Moving back and forth between the past and present of how we began and how we are moving and what would happen of us with the social obligations and increasing pressures makes it a tough thing. Why else would someone require so many an AND to express ;P ... We spoke yet that was so precise. For the rest of the moments we spoke so much just heard by us. Had never seen the other part of her the small beautiful child in her so free as she smiled and laughed as she laid down as we explored. Perhaps discovered. HE was there at all times yet with every candle that burnt and every prayer, she perhaps found a definitive place. She grasped me tight and close as never before sometimes shed a few lil drops.

What else sir? We left each other this evening; she had come to drop me. I could never say how much i love her nor did she. I guess we understood each other pretty well. Challenges lie ahead of us. Its just that we are thankful for this wonderful moment that was a gift. We dont know what would happen of us, we never knew we would be here yet the sheer belief of sharing a walk together one day brought us here. Every time we look around we see people cribbing about love got and lost, we cant comprehend. Sometimes i feel is a life enough to discover what love is and at the same time i wonder about those un-privileged who have never discovered it ever. Am perhaps happy about the uncertanity. Happy about those great moments for those were true. Happy to have been loved and being able to reciprocate the same. Happy for being at the bottom of the expectations. Happy for being blessed to be with her.

Perhaps happy for seeing her wild, free the way she was born, free as a human being even if for a limited time. Someone once said the value of our own lives is perhaps determined by the small moments of compassion and integrity. I guess i will have to believe it. I can see it working.

Sorry chief for intruding into your silence so much and blurting out what ever came into this mind. Would suggest you to get someone. Discover love and life. Its worth. Days mounting to a few less than a week was what HE gave us. So large a time to talk and discover yet so small a time to live a lifetime. Its just that am carrying all those moments along with me to a distant place far away seeking to be back again...

... "

And he continued as i wondered about the excitement and happiness of this young man. What did he have? Infact nothing; absolutely nothing. Just a thought and a huge block of uncertainty. For me i knew i would land get my cab, drive home, get up in the morning and would be back into the social world. Back to work as i did every day with people around shaking hands, respecting, quarrelling, comparing ... fighting ... the things am so attached to. The samaj. The social respect. The social circle. My circle. I perhaps have everything which this guy doesn’t ... having a low paid job, seeking a place to stay in the hearts of the fastest Indian city this guy was happy! I am better off i thought for a while. As i looked at myself, i saw myself having every thing a man would want at my age. Unfortunately every piece of material starting from the parker to the park avenue to the tommy hilfiger to the thomas scott to the red tape and the rolex, i was jaded with, could only convince me of my better state for a few moments before there was a pain deep inside.

The neck tie started suffocating me. What was I glad about? About the non-living material attachments or the falsified halo social respect circle built around me? I had everything yet nothing that was so true. I had no one to share with, no one to talk to. This guy did. He was happy. He had nothing yet everything, on the contrary i perhaps had everything yet nothing was mine. Going back and forth and forth and back in time a number of times before i landed, i switched between the thoughts of being and non being. Yet in every thought you had a definite share my dear. You were just as still. Dear, I could only wish being him if at all ... ...