process has started...

Every morning its usually her call that wakes me up. The first thing I do is look around for her for she knows exactly what i am seeking for. She understands me so well even if its so difficult for me to articulate what i think in speech :) .. hee hee interesting but that’s a fact. I was born just 2 years ago hence there’s a little bit of problem in communication :) .. Guess will learn it in time. This morning was a little different and unusual than the other ones. For the first time i felt so lone. She wasn’t around the way she used to be. She was still on bed sleeping peacefully. It was my father who was juggling with his legendary phone. He was stressed. Scared of something I believe. He came to maa more frequently touched her forehead, ignored me. Didn’t know for sure what was happening till the point when they took her away. He said maa was sick.

Sick, funnie it is for they tell me its something which you and I love to eat that has eventually become a poison for her. The sugar. She’s diabetic of Type 1. Under normal conditions, the sugar level stays between 100-150 but for her it was 600 that day. I can’t imagine staying away from chocolates and now i realise how difficult it would have been for her in those days when she was around 5 years and the doctors asked her to forget sugar for the rest of her life. Mom should have been a little older than me but even then it would have never been easy. For the first time, she had to control her mind from being greedy on chocolates and sweets her friends could eat. What could be more challenging than accepting a true fact that you have a disease or a disability which is going to stay with you for a very very long time, probably till the end. But she tried living with full passion the naughty little girl, rejoicing every bit of life she had. Playing pranks, flirting, helping others flirt becoming a teacher one day.

She started her career as a school teacher she had the advantage to have a plenty of sweet kids like me ;P long before she married my father. One of her policies was not to rebuke any child whatsoever. Even today when i dont fix my chuk chuk gadi properly sometimes intentionally and that too repeat the same mistake over and over again she would come close, hug me and say "betuu aise nahi.. dekh maa kaise jod rahi hai .." followed by a kiss on my cheek. What an inspiration!! i love when she does it. Every time she hugs me tight i feel so secure... The teacher thing went on for quite a long time before the marriage thing had to come into her life. She failed finding a great groom for she was diabetic. Who wants to spend an entire life with such a risk huh! Risk she was.

Eventually she understood this and her dreams of marriage transformed into something else. She never spoke to me about this though but i overheard it when she was speaking to bhaiyuu one afternoon ;P... She hoped and prayed every moment to get into someone’s life to whom she can serve. Probably wanted to make the maximum of her life! They say in the midst of darkness when you are about the breathe your last yet if that belief to survive is still somewhere deep inside your heart you see the light. This guy came in, my father. Mom told her about the risks that would come with her health, the risk of death, risk of not bearing a child and so on... Dad said "lucky i am for i know am living with a risk and not uncertainty like all those. I would for certain know that the next few days would be the last. What could be more that this? We could squeeze our entire life into it". They got married. Turned down all challenges and impossibilities. She always wished for a child. Doctors had said she couldn’t bear one and if she tried so it would be very complicated for both of them. One or both could drop out dead. He stood by and made her have me. I was born. A healthy child with least abnormalities ;P... Am lucky i guess.

That’s a lil small story till this morning. Now i feel so alone as moments pass by. I have lived without her with her mom's sister and they don’t understand me. He’s probably with her in the ICU. I miss her. A strange feeling of how my days would be when she’s not there if at all. I have yet to do so many things, learn to walk, speak, go to school, learn to wear my own shoes ... so many things. Time taught my father everything. will it be for me again...

Dear, its been more than 60 days i have been exposed to a lot of things a few written here and there unlike the fully completed articles on this blog. All this while, you have been somewhere somehow in everything that has passed on me. I can feel you here yet the feeling of not being with you kind of does ... umm umm ... scare me sometime. Not being doesn’t indicate we being under one roof but we being alive or dead. What if ... something’s there and next moment its a memory. Even then this is just an infinitesimally small feeling that’s covered up by all those beautiful moments around with you :) ... built every other day. Like the moments shared with maa every morning, at dinner, the times when they take me out and play ... will you go away without saying maa aaa naa aaa... i know you wont ... ... for the dreams of seeing me grow up would drive you away far from that end. The way dear the much brighter dream of walking together oneday would drive us there each day.

I still dont want to believe every time the docs say shes got limited time and that the process has started and that i should grow up fast ... ...