pending

Its been a real long time since I have settled down to write something. In fact over these months the pace of time has become so fast and the experiences so wide that, when i start writing one the next experience is in the process of happening and circumstances demand me to focus my attention on the experience rather than jot it down. This afternoon is a little different. 

The status indicates pending for more than the desired time and this mind is stuck. It goes back and forth between the projected imaginations of what might have happened. The times of mind that minds the times perhaps. At times in your life you might have experienced a moment where in you would have possibly wished 'wish this just passes on, why me, i wish i knew what was happening at the other end, will i get back'. And your mind suggests you a million things that could possibly be done elevating your current state however when you look around there’s nothing except the silence and the beautiful word called wait for your support to pass the current time such that you eventually come to a state to experience what was destined to happen. An advantage to be a mere spectator, waiting for things to happen its own way.
 

That feeling.
 

Months ago when i left from the country to another one for the first time, it was exciting. It would be for anyone. The time started playing a different game i was never exposed to. They call it jet lag. I had already flown for 5 hours yet I was still an hour earlier than what it should have been according to my wrist watch. Checked into the airport in a land very different from my own yet with people very similar. They didn’t understand me neither did I. It read Mocaba. They waved dasvidhaniya. There are a few things which you have once along with you but you rarely realise what they were, for me it was the food perhaps. 
For a little time though before something else took over. Silence can be killing sometimes for some people. For some, it becomes a way of living eventually. For me i guess i was juggling somewhere in the middle. I didn’t carry the international charger and unfortunately, the battery was going down constantly. From 5 bars to 4. It had to be saved for the next 24 hours. 
 

Beyond the glass pane, where i sat was a freezing open space with fleet of aircrafts. Close to me were the cafe's restaurants and wine shops. Within me! Well, a constant feeling of going back to where i sat the last evening having my piece of meal the element had bought. An urge to hear the voice. 4 bars and a smile pushed my idea to the pending state. 4 hours passed away not so quickly but yes the few currency notes i never recognized kept me engaged. So did the people, tall fair skinned so free unlike the conservative ones in my own country.
 

The next destination was a 9 long hour flight, from the north over the pacific to somewhere down near the equator. There’s this phenomena which happens with me every time. The seat beside me every time is either occupied by an old huge fat guy or it remains empty perhaps reserved for someone i know who, i wish travelled along physically although it lingers along as the fragrance wherever I go. Open culture, free people, couples inside the plane going heading for a weekend can be an interesting thing as there’s lot of energy around. Guess i missed you. Not before i got trapped by the words of Gandhi "Whatever you do in life is insignificant yet its really important that you do it." which is when the movie starts, remember me. It stole away 3 hours. Beyond which as usual, this mind rode on the projected thoughts if all of it were applicable. Is sacrifice, even ones own life sometimes desired to prove a point? Perhaps. Today I am there; a day will come when I won’t be and you will be left in the memories so will I in ours and would that be the right way to prove something that one feels just. Ending it all. Leaving the human world for it all relatively starts making lesser sense as one grows and realises that the actions and interactions are merely based on objectivity, attainment of gratification, fulfilment of objectives that gratify self whatever. 
 

Thoughts they were. It may not be significant but sometimes does sacrificing your life makes sense? Perhaps. With the sunset these thoughts transformed themselves into an urge for looking beyond what was visible to me then. Perhaps sense in how humans are structured, how the behaviour is and how circumstances precede behaviour. I saw sense in the idea of self! Love, I guess.

Adapting to a different form of food for the first time can be quite challenging. One is left to strive through hunger till one finds the right option or gives up to what is available. Choice remains always. I thought of going a little longer, who knew I would not find this eventually. With night fall, I landed in the country of dark people. Comparatively a lot darker than the people I met this morning. The country ruled by Fidel. Checked out of the airport to wait for the next 9 hours to board for the next destination. The temperature started declining progressively as the night grew darker. Nothing but the dirty white sweater, kept me as warm as was required to pass on the time. 3 bars i had. Sometimes you find yourself at the downside of advantage where in you can speak to someone close but circumstances force you out. And at times, the being walks just beside and you don't have words. It happens that way I guess. With all that i have experienced over years, i can probably say that. When I tried distance it drove closer to me as if i was the only important thing and today when I am standing with open arms its got its own things, challenges of life. People evolve overtime. I am experiencing one. Continuing with this one eventually hardens over time I guess wherein the love fades away so does kindness. Where one becomes immune to pains and tears dry up! That’s what life makes us i guess. She was there at all times and that in disguise kept me warm and remain soft from inside. Preserving the kindness i think!
 

Never mind, a cup of coffee and a bottle of water was enough to get me back to normal. And then with all energy I had I was geared up with all hope to fly to what my destination was. Who knew it would be more exciting than I envisaged when I started off. I had already had 36 hours of silence. It was this evening post another 9 hours that I arrived in this part of the country they call central america. The immigration line stands as the divider. Beyond this is an open country and once you are there you can perhaps enjoy being free. Within the line you are but with limited rights. Where every action of yours is tracked and traced. Your movements are governed by the authorities. They spoke a language i didn’t know and I spoke something that was incomprehensible. Apart from a few good words including gracias. At times when there is silence from where you expect some sort of a response the agility within you increases and inflates itself into a balloon of projected thoughts, giving rise to unreal assumptions. It was more than 56 hours now as the silence kept haunting. Thoughts of loosing everything i had accumulated overtime, people, experiences, story made itself stronger eventually. From within me I saw darkness. For a few moments, very frequently a thought would come and cheer me up saying "when will you come back. am waiting." Another few long hours of silence before i started my journey back home. From within every little moment I had been through, you kept me pulling me towards you. From a few hours now am feeling something similar, perhaps the same agility that’s caused by the status pending that i see on my screen as i seek some response... Pending it rings within. As I look at myself I realise at the downside of advantage left with nothing more than the word wait and silence, waiting for you to respond… … the way I waited for the bars not to go down and waited to come back home, juggling back and forth from the screens one small one large hoping… hoping it would come soon.  Pending turning delivered...