Confessions of breath

The sun’s going down on the western horizon looks just as beautiful as you can feel, for it’s the turbulent waters shimmering with the decreasing intensity of sun rays right in front of you. Just another sunset at the Goa beach with unique blend of people all assimilated from all parts of the world. You are just there standing with a tourist bag and a glass of fresh juice and wondering at the beautiful creatures! all around. Yes beautiful! You are alone and there’s no one to watch your naughty eyes prying at each instance to see something real or may be do something. That’s the excitement you have when you are alone. Somehow at this moment it doesn’t matter much .. i cant reason. For i think its her controlling thoughts that still keep your innocence intact for your thoughts are probably occupied by the one far away who has a least realization of how valuable she is in your life.

Try to calm down. Close your eyes. Listen to the tune. Try to get your mind into one thought .. Relax .. concentrate on your breath .. go back to each moment you have been through .. try going back to the moment before you were ever born!... that’s what the Buddhist Mechanism of meditation tells you. Having tried that all alone in a single room just tried hard to wander away from thinking about you. I don’t have a reason why .. yet in all those breaths of mine its you who have a definite share.

I am turning a bit into a human being they say .. Inculcating changes i wouldn’t have done otherwise. For i had lately realized that i was falling short of tears for i found it difficult to shed some, even if that would hurt real hard. I guess am not that privileged to have you beside me or spend the kind of time i should have had for may be i was just afraid and laid back with the fear of loosing everything. That state hasn’t changed till this day.

There’s always a question that haunts me and its again a form created from my mind which quite nicely aligns with my pendulum theory. For i have seen relationships build up and crush in time. And that it wouldn’t probably be that harder for me to remain in silence waiting for another engaging conversation; than just being in an intimate relationship with you and bidding farewell mutually in a shorter span. That shorter span would hurt a lot more and i might not be that brave to take it. The time beyond this would leave a mark inerasable. You may be here lying beside me or far out there somewhere with someone else yet the invaluable thoughts and voice shall forever lie within this soul for it has become a reason that’s quite parallel to the truest of my breath. And is it just bound to the physical existence of both under one hood? I question that definition. May be its not. It might not also demand an acceptance from you or me for its a feeling spread across the span. I might be foolish for this day everything is equated to what you have or own and that nothing can be conceptual. Yet i am from those who believes in concept and not things tangible... For its the concept in the mind that would survive our physical extinction. For you were born with the silver spoons and me with none like those, and it might not be that easier for you to accommodate the ways i have been living. And that i would never certainly want you to take all that i have for then there would be no reason for my own existence. For i cant probably see you hurt.

Its not just another Sunday, evening at the IIT in front of the lake, rather a unique one for there's silence, am alone .. its getting darker .. yet its you who still persists in all turbulent frames of mind ...

The inquisitive eyes torment me so does the smile. The conversation is still clear even if that isn’t heard by anyone else round me. What do i call this? Can this be defined by any tangible relationship? i wonder. For any word from the dictionary would call it love or psychic action for again its not.

I might be a hardened one not to confess what i feel yet that has a deeper reason for do i own the right to stir your thoughts? For i would like your thoughts to be independent and least influenced from mine. I have never ever imagined i would be so close to you yet so far. For i cant call it a bound relationship where energies unite to form one... Let thy soul find a reason, be independent, realize the infinite possibilities that lie within and not be bound by just one or not be shadowed by thoughts of mine .. live a life for this being would be the happiest to see you up there ... Amen.

Sometimes your truest confessions shatters things .. yet can we live being untrue to self? is again a question though. This moment i suddenly realize how close this digital fabric has become, my blog .. for its a friend to whom i can tell the state of my mind having fear of NOTHING.